“Confidence is a measure of our faith in our own abilities,” says Tess Brigham, MFT, BCC, a psychotherapist, career and certified life coach, and public speaker. “It usually comes from successful experiences. People struggle with confidence because in order to create these successful experiences they have to take action in some way.” We’re often afraid to take action due to fear of failure, and so starts the vicious cycle. Anyone at any age can struggle with—and work on—their confidence. But Brigham says her female clients come to her more often than her male clients with confidence issues like impostor syndrome in the workplace. “Women tend to worry a lot more about how they’re coming across to other people,” she says. “Instead of trusting their instincts and speaking up, they tend to wait until they’re 100 percent sure of what they want to say, and then the moment passes.” Naturally, young people also tend to lack confidence, since, as Brigham says, “knowledge is great, but nothing beats experience: Confidence comes from taking actions and having experiences, so age does matter.” Fortunately self confidence is a quality you can learn and practice. In fact, it’s more like a skill or a muscle you can build. From life-changing mental tricks to empowering physical cues, these helpful strategies can help you build up self-esteem and be more confident. Start by engaging in activities where you already have confidence in your abilities, suggests Sherry Benton, PhD, ABPP, a psychologist and the founder and chief science officer of TAO Connect. “This puts you in a thought pattern called ‘flow,’ where self-consciousness disappears and you’re completely absorbed. Find something that puts you in the zone and gives you a sense of pride in your accomplishments.” Awareness and acknowledgement of self-deprecating thoughts and speech patterns is step one. “Notice how you speak to yourself. Stop labeling yourself as ‘stupid’ or a ’loser,’” Brigham says. “Find a different way to speak to yourself or at least stop yourself when you recognize you’re being mean to yourself.” Take stock of your surroundings, too: “Start noticing what people or activities increase your negative thinking and make changes accordingly,” she adds (i.e., social media, unhealthy relationships, and so on). Benton recommends repeating feel-good phrases everyday that really resonate with you. Positive affirmations, she says, can alter your subconscious. At the start of each day, for example, say to yourself: “I am ready to take on the day ahead,” or “I am smart and capable.” “You gave an amazing speech, you nailed a presentation, you wrote an essay you loved—it’s different for everyone—but a moment in time when you felt your best,” she says. “Then go back in time and embody that moment again. This is a great thing to do before a presentation or job interview to boost your confidence.” Instead of setting yourself up to fail with the impossible goal to be perfect at all times, set goals that are very achievable and within your control. Brigham suggests making your goal simply to take action—not to achieve a positive outcome. “Taking action is within your control, what happens after you take action (the overall outcome) is out of your control,” says Brigham. “In order to build your confidence muscles you have to start by redefining failure for yourself and learning to let go of the outcome.” “When people perform, things don’t always go well. Maybe someone drops a cue or forgets a prop. Perhaps the audience doesn’t laugh. But from those experiences, you can learn not to give failure so much power,” says Brad Barton, a New York City–based, performer, writer, and improv instructor. “Sure, after a weak show you may feel a bit of a sting, but you’re still walking, still breathing. Once you bomb a show a number of times, you’ll know that you can survive it. Take that knowledge and use it to fortify yourself the next time you’re faced with a big challenge, like a presentation at work.” In the same vein, having empathy is crucial—not only as a courtesy to others, but ironically for your own benefit. Anyone you compare yourself to—at work, on Instagram, in a magazine, in any facet of life—whose existence you let chip away at your own confidence, is going through their own private challenges. They might lack confidence in ways you can’t see. Understanding that others are just as fallible as you are, albeit in different ways, is a reminder that helps level the playing field (so to speak) in your own mind. RELATED: How to Be More Resilient: Tips for Building Resiliency
