But on the other hand, it’s a fallacy to compare your “normal” temporary anxieties to the pervasive and chronic anxieties of someone with an anxiety disorder. Their worries are more intense, interfere with their ability to perform daily life tasks, and their symptoms are often difficult to manage without help. Say instead: “You seem really anxious, that must feel awful. I’m always here for you—what can I do to help?” This is a gentle but direct offer of support. It conveys the message, I see you, I’m here to listen and here to help. Say instead: “Let’s do something to take our mind off of things. Want to go for a walk or have a cup of tea?” The act of “calming down” isn’t a switch someone with anxiety can just flip (put it this way: It’s like telling a clinically depressed person to “just be happier!"—unhelpful). Try to help them get back into the present—instead of spiraling about the future—with something like a walk, breathing exercises, a funny video, or simply talking it out. In other words, don’t command them to calm down—help them actually calm down. RELATED: 8 Apps for Anxiety and Depression That Can Help You Manage Your Mood Say instead: “What’s worrying you the most, and how can I help ease it?” This is an acknowledgment of the validity their experience and a thoughtful way to help them unpack what’s really bothering them. Say instead: “Hey, if something bad happens it’s not going to feel great, but you’re going to be able to get through it. And I’ll be with you the whole way/here when it’s over.” You can’t predict a rosy future for them, but reminding them in a non-patronizing tone that even if something not-ideal does happen, it’s not the end of the world. Say instead: “I know this kind of thing makes you really anxious. If you want to talk about what you’re feeling or practice with me beforehand, I’m all ears.” It’s more helpful for an anxious person to acknowledge the worry, validate it, and say, “This is how I feel. This is my worry. I’m going to accept it and hope I can let it go.” Say instead: “I know it’s not always your thing, but you’re always welcome. If you’re up for it I think you’ll really get along with this one friend I have.” It’s more helpful to come up with a plan for how they can attend, since people with anxiety tend to like concrete plans. You could even try practicing conversation so the person feels more confident. At that point it’s up to her to decide whether she’ll come. And if she says no, keep inviting her. She might say yes the next time. RELATED: How to Beat the Social Anxiety That’s Holding You Back (Even While Social Distancing) Say instead: “I hate seeing you going through this and am concerned. If you’re considering talking to someone, I am here and happy to help you find the right person.” RELATED: 9 Things You Should Never Say to Someone Grieving—And What to Say Instead
